Maybe I'll be ok.

Six months ago, my Dr. diagnosed me with diabetes.  I have to take metformin 2x a day.  :(  On top of my anxiety medication and my birth control, I feel constricted.  I take pills every morning at 8:45.  And unfortunately, if I take my birth control too much later or earlier than I did the day before, I risk throwing off my hormones.  :(  I am not a fan.  Of hormones.  Or pill.  Waaaa!!!  And to make matters works, Trump is president.  Aye.  Oh, what a world.

In other news, I stepped on the scale this morning, and much to my surprise, it read '275'.  Which is crazy because just a couple weeks ago I was weighing in at 287.  I guess I can chalk it up to being poor, tho.  I really have not been watching what I eat, or, God forbid, excersizing!   But I have had a really tight budget lately, so there's a lot more eating at home and packing lunches than I'm used to.  I guess it's a good boost, since I WILL begin working out with my little sister come Monday.  The dreaded MONDAAAAAAAY.  Why do people always start Monday?  Like it's the perfect day to start, because it's the beginning of the week?  I feel like it's maybe the WORST day to start.  Everyone hates Mondays.  But I've had a very expensive gym membership for several months now, and I've only used it like, 3 times.  :(  If I'm going to waste the money on an expensive club membership, I should at lease use it, right?  Blech.  As stated in my previous post, I lack motivation these days.  Especially now that I have my very own place!  All I want to do after work is hunker down with my Prince Henry (yes, he's a cat.  I'm a cat lady now.) and watch movies until I'm tired.  Then I sleep.  Until 7.  7:30.  Okay, usually 7:45.  Although my alarm clock goes off at 7 EVERY SINGLE MORNING.  I hit snooze.  twice.  Sometimes thrice.  I am so. un. motivated. But my seester wants us to get to the gym by 6 am Monday Tuesday Thursday Friday.  I have no idea how imma do it.  BUT I WILL!!!!!  Though I lack motivation, I really have a desire to loose weight and move more.  I'm so sloth-like!  I absolutely hate it.  Also, don't tell anyone, but sometimes I smoke.  There.  I've said it, it's out there.  TELL ME TO QUIT.  But I challenge you to NOT try and educate me on the health implications of it.  That information is totally lost on me.  I already know it.  And I'm smoking anyway.  Any OTHER bits of motivation you can stir up in me to quit?  I'd appreciate it.  :)  LET'S DO THIS.....!!?

Getting older.....

So... here's the thing.  I am getting older.  :(  I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 5 years.  My skin kind of sucks.  I've developed this annoying, flaky, dry patch between my eyebrows and along the beginning of my right brow.  I'm fatter than ever (284 YIKES!!!).  I cut my hair and now I never feel like doing it, so it hangs lifeless and frizzy at my shoulders.  And, oh yeah!  I lost a tooth.  One that you CAN SEE IN MY SMILE LINE.  Ugh.  I keep telling myself to get up, dust off, and keep trucking.  I've had minor successes in the past, and I know I can do it again!  I don't know if it's getting older, or the redundancy that is making me loose motivation, but I don't feel beautiful anymore.  I have almost always felt beautiful in the past.  No matter what size I am.  And it's honestly still not about the size.  I've lost motivation for simple things like doing my hair and make up.  Simple things that will make be feel so much better, I KNOW it.  But I'm just... not doing them!!!  I feel like picking up this blog AGAIN will help me to feel accountable for what I am/am not doing with myself.
Something super confusing to me is that I actually should be SOARING right now on the emotional wagon.  I have the best job I have ever had in my life and I honestly LOVE it.  I just got my very own adorable apartment, and I can actually afford it!  I bought a new car that has A/C in it!  Things are looking really good.  But there are several things that I just know I am taking advantage of, and I really want it to stop!  I still sneak cigarettes in every once in a while (more often then I'll actually admit), and my eating habits are horrible.  I don't work out.  I don't do my hair.  I don't do my nails.  I don't do my make up.  I don't read.  I don't cook.  I AM A LAZY MOTHER EFFER......

I think I'm getting worked up.  Does this sound like a rant?  It's totally a rant.  I am going to leave you with this:  I will return to the beauty I once was.  I'm not sure how it's going to start, but I'm going to blog about it!  I have not excuses why not to now.  PLEASE HELP ME ON MY JOURNEY!!!!  I really want this to be time I really make it happen.